Most Irish women are a feisty mix of mammy and sass – they’re known the world over for their sharp wit and fierce slaggings. Despite being able to talk the rear legs off a donkey, they are still perceived with wonder and mystery by their male counterparts. You’d think the lads would have copped on to the inner-workings of the Irish matriarch at this stage. Those confusing rants that end with ‘I’m fine…’ ? That means they’re not fine and you lads won’t be either if you leave the conversation there. Here are 10 Things Every Man Should Know About Irish Women…
1. Danger: Feisty Feline
They’re sharp-tongued pussy cats – they like to play with their prey. Chat-up lines are an open invitation for some dry witted come-backs that are certain to leave you lads winded. Banter is the name of the game – hang your sensitivity at the door because Irish women can give as good a slagging as any fella.
2. Compliments Cave
Unlike other women around the world, Irish women cannot take a compliment. They don’t ‘get’ them. In fact, if you compliment their natural beauty you are more likely to arouse suspicion than feelings of desire – ‘what’s wrong with him? I’m obviously not beautiful when I’m eating Taytos in my PJs!’ On the other hand, they will notice if you don’t tell them how gorgeous they look after spending hours spray tanning and hair curling for a night out – but they’ll still tell you you’re wrong.
For some reason ‘Penneys’ has not made it into the dictionary yet, unlike Google and Twitter. It is bandied about like a badge of honour and it translates to ‘bargain’ – which to Irish women means they have honoured the sisterhood with their skilful ability to look fabulous for peanuts. Lads, if this is the response to a compliment, just smile and look impressed. Never presume her clothes are from Penneys, this on the other hand, is not a compliment.
4. Gaelic Dating
Things to remember when dating an Irish woman: she loves the craic, she loves to chat and most importantly, she loves a listener. The cinema is a no-no for a first date, they prefer getting to know you over pints, but this is not an invitation to a drinking competition – if it were, they would probably win. Remember: Irish women have acute BS detectors, so it’s best to keep it real.
5. So Cold…
It is always cold – don’t question it, don’t argue with it, just accept it. It’s a sore point – in the office, at home and when on dates – that seems to amuse men. When you’re roasting, they’re freezing, so why not score some brownie points? Don’t open that window, do lend them your jackets and never think it’s okay to turn the heating off if they’ve just turned it on…
Irish women are generally feisty and often hard-nosed, but they’re always mammies underneath. They have big hearts and love to fuss – ‘I’ll make us some tea, sure!’ indicates the completed transformation. Of course, they’re not your mammies, but they do want to impress the other woman in your life – so don’t bother bitching about them after a fight. You will feel the full force of the matriarch further down the line…
7. You Booze, You Lose
An Irish woman’s idea of ‘craic’ doesn’t always match-up with Irish men’s – that’s fine. Just don’t forgo ‘communication’ for arse-slapping in nightclubs, never turn up drunk for a date and don’t bother telling them about your drunken exploits. ‘My mate was mangled last night and puked all over some bird’, doesn’t impress them. Once again, don’t compete with Irish women because they will drink you under the table – and if they don’t, you’re holding back their hair.
8. Hairstyles Help
Okay. ‘Short hair’ coated in gunky gel is not a hairstyle. The terrifying reign of the short-back-and-sides makes men look like little school boys, still wet behind the ears. While your mammies might approve, the rest of female society is indifferent. Irish women prefer longer hair and beards can be quite sexy, too. While you’re at it, why not ditch those jeans you’ve been wearing since college and get some decent shoes – Irish women will always be impressed with a pair of converse, at least.
9. Spot the Difference
During the weekends Irish girls sport a luminous orange glow – if it starts to rain they will squawk and run for cover to save their ‘tans’ from ‘streakage’. You may not recognise them without the false eyelashes and blackened eyebrows, but don’t be concerned for their health when they chill fresh-faced in snug tracksuits – Irish women love to be comfortable too.
10. Confidence Turn-On
Irish women love a confident man – who isn’t swaying, slurring or trying to impress them with his collection of traffic cones. Hunting in packs is a turn-off for Irish women. Writing ‘Gay’ on a photo of your mate and his girlfriend on Facebook is juvenile. Stand tall, be proud and they’ll love you as you are.
*Written for and in the style of Her.ie